Never Said
by Idrelle Miocovani
Summary: Five years after the defeat of Voldemort, a vagabond Harry returns to Hogwarts to try to find some resolution with the one person he abandoned when she needed him the most. AU.


**A/N: **This is a songfic written for the House Cup tournament on the Jedi Council Boards. I was playing for Team Slytherin, naturally. The circumstances are completely AU. The fic is set to "Rain" by Patty Griffin – I don't own the song, just like I don't own Harry Potter! However, if I had been given the option of writing a "symphony fic" instead, then the music would definitely be "Adagietto" from Mahler's fifth symphony, ha ha.

* * *

**Never Said**

In a thousand years time, one would naturally expect change to occur. Forests would grow, rivers would change course, kingdoms would fall and new ones would appear in their place. Time was king of all – its reign was absolute. In the end, no matter what the struggle, everything bended to its rule.

Hogwarts castle had the single-mindedness to ignore the rules of time for as long as possible. While the Muggle castles and fortresses of its era crumbled with erosion and fell into disarray, Hogwarts remained standing tall and proud, held up by the magic that helped build it. Over the years since its creation, the school had seen both war and peace. It had been a centre for battles in one era and a refuge for tired warriors in the next. No matter what occurred in it or around it, Hogwarts endured. It had stood for a thousand years and it was likely to stand for a thousand more.

Harry Potter had much appreciation for the magnificent castle that had been both home and school to himself and so many others. However, events of the past had buried any fond memories he had of its sweeping halls. He had hoped to never set foot in the school again. Unfortunately, he had come here today with a purpose that he could no longer avoid. It was with much apprehension that he climbed the sloping green lawns in the morning mist, headed towards the grand front doors. It had been five years since he had last stepped foot inside the castle. Five years since the battle that had taken so many lives, yet won so much for the wizarding community… five years since he had approached Voldemort in the Great Hall for one final confrontation that decided the fate of every on-looker in the room.

It was the middle of an uncommonly cold, damp summer; the castle and its grounds were all but empty. It was for that very reason that Harry had decided to come back at this particular time. There would be no students gawking at him in the hallways, no frantic whispers of excitement as he passed. One would assume that he would be used to it by now: everyone in the wizarding world knew his name. They knew him as the Boy Who Lived, the man who had defeated the greatest Dark Wizard of the twentieth century. But Harry was never too keen on the fame that was attached to his identity. He was famous for something that brought many painful memories along with it.

If everything bent to time's will, then Harry knew one thing that had escaped. His most painful memories were still as sharp as they were, and time had done nothing to smooth them over. They stood strong, surviving the passage of time, just like Hogwarts.

Five years was an awfully long time, yet it didn't feel like enough.

It was dark for a summer morning; the sky was covered with grey clouds, the sun peaking momentarily out from behind its covers now and then. Mist rolled across the lawns in a dream-like fashion. Harry slowly reached the entrance courtyard and began making his way towards the grand oak doors.

She was waiting for him, standing on the steps as she had promised. Her red hair was brushed neatly out of her face; it was cut much shorter than she had it in her teens. Harry half expected her to cross her arms and glare at him, but at the same time that stance seemed out of place. They were not teenagers anymore.

Harry mounted the steps and stood, somewhat awkwardly, beside her. He did not know what to say.

"Hi Harry," Ginny said.

"Hello."

They fell into silence.

"Thanks for coming," Ginny said quietly.

"You're welcome?"

Ginny raised an eyebrow. "Does it have to be a question?"

Harry shrugged. "I don't know. I suppose… you don't really know what to say in this kind of situation."

"What kind of situation is it supposed to be?" Ginny asked gently.

"Whatever… whatever this is."

Ginny's eyes glanced up at the Astronomy Tower soaring high above them. She did not need to voice the unspoken memory that passed between them at that moment. Hogwarts' tallest tower was like a black mark on both their pasts. If one were to take the word of seers, there was something true to be said about tarot cards: the tower always brought tragedy.

"Take my hand," Ginny said.

Harry did. "Where are we going?"

"I think we could both use a walk," Ginny said. Her smile was bittersweet. "Like the good old days."

They left the way Harry came, leaving the courtyard to walk through the morning mist towards the lake. The grass was wet and their shoes soon became soaked and their feet cold.

_It's hard to listen to a hard, hard heart_

_Beating close to mine_

_Pounding up against the stone and steel_

_Walls that I won't climb_

"I would ask you how you are," Ginny said, "but somehow I get the feeling that would be entirely pointless."

"It's been five years, Ginny. How do you think I've been?"

"The same as always," she replied. "Taking things too hard on yourself. Taking the blame for something out of your control. You always did that, no matter what anyone else said."

Harry didn't say anything and let go of her hand. Ginny always had had the habit of reading him too well.

"That's in the past," he said shortly. "Far in the past. I've moved on."

"Have you?" she shot back. "Really? This isn't moving on, Harry. This is stagnating. This is standing still. This is refusal."

"How would you know?"

"Do you honestly think that I haven't been through the same thing as you?"

Harry couldn't meet her eyes; he was ashamed to admit to her that some days he did think that no one else understood. He was wrong – if anyone understood, it would be her. She had witnessed the same things he had, the same destruction, the same loss.

There had been a time when he could have told her anything. Now, it was much more difficult. The connection of their teen years, the bond they had shared, had broken with the massacre of their friends and family, there on the steps of Hogwarts itself.

"You're impossible," Ginny said, a hint of her old self in her voice.

"I know."

_Sometimes a hurt is so deep, deep, deep_

_You think that you're gonna drown_

_Sometimes all I can do is weep, weep, weep_

_With all this rain falling down_

"You ran," Ginny said. "You didn't have to, you know."

Harry couldn't look at her. He stared up at the sky instead. "I didn't have a choice, Ginny," he told her. He could barely get the words out, his throat was so dry. "I did what I thought I had to do. I had to get out."

"You could have said something. I was there for you. When will you learn that you don't have to do every bloody thing on your own?"

"That's not fair, Ginny," he snapped.

Ginny blinked and took a step back. She looked genuinely surprised.

Harry groaned. Mistake again. He hadn't meant to shout at her; Ginny wasn't the problem. She was merely forcing him to face the facts that he had abandoned long ago and tried to bury. It wasn't her fault, it was his.

"Sorry," he said quietly.

Ginny's eyes softened. She took his hand again; there was something comforting about her presence. Harry had missed her desperately in the ten years he had been gone. Quickly, he hugged her. It seemed like the right thing to do.

"Don't be sorry," she murmured into his ear as she slowly pulled away.

Above, the clouds darkened. Rain began to fall.

_Strange how hard it rains now_

_Rows and rows of big dark clouds_

_When I'm holding on underneath this shroud_

_Rain_

Ginny raised her head and closed her eyes. She raised her hands in the air, glorifying the rain. "It's almost liberating," she said quietly. "I love rainstorms. It's like they're washing everything away."

"I hate rain."

"I'm not surprised."

Harry frowned. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Ginny looked at him sadly. "I think you know." She paused and brushed her hair out of her eyes as if to distract herself. "Tell… tell me, Harry. This is the only thing I want to know. This is why when I heard you were back in the country, I asked if I could meet you here. It's a simple enough question."

"What is it?" Harry asked. He had a feeling he already knew what it is.

"Why did you leave?"

Harry lowered his head. "It's always the simple ones that are the hardest to answer," he said.

"That's no excuse," Ginny said. "Tell me, Harry. You owe me that much and you know it. I waited for you to come back, but you never did. I thought about leaving so many times so I could go and look for you, but I couldn't leave Mum and Dad on their own, not with—" Her voice caught in her throat and she fell silent.

Harry didn't need her to finish. He knew she was referencing the death of almost all her family members.

"I guess that I didn't think I could be with you after what happened," Harry said after a pause. "I don't think I could have faced your parents. I know it was cowardly of me, but it was easier to get up and leave after… after _he_ was gone." He fell silent again.

"You've never talked about this before, have you," Ginny said.

"…how did you know?"

Ginny laughed. It was a hollow sound. "Harry, I know you. In five years you haven't changed a bit. You still are exactly how you were the day Voldemort was defeated and we lost half of Hogwarts. Did you think you could meet someone out there in the whole wide magical world who would understand what you were going through? Probably not. No one else has won a war and lost their best friends and their family on the same day."

She exhaled sharply and ran her fingers through her hair, trying to find the right words to say.

"There's two things you can do now, Harry," she said. "You can either continue along the way you have been, travelling to escape yourself, or you can start moving on. Right here, right now. Today." She pressed a hand to her mouth, biting on a nail. "I don't want to lose you again," she said.

_It's hard to know when to give up the fight_

_Some things you want will just never be right_

_It's never rained like it has tonight before_

"Ginny," Harry said slowly, "I can't stay here. I can't stay in Britain. Travelling's the only way I can get by without… without them. Everything here reminds me of all of them, of how I couldn't save them. It's easier to live with myself away from here."

"We need you here."

"I can't be here."

Ginny took a deep breath. "Please, Harry," she said. "I don't think this is what Ron and Hermione would have wanted for you. They would have wanted you to be happy."

"Well, we'll never know, will we?"

Harry couldn't tell if it was rain or tears streaming down Ginny's cheeks. Either way, her lower lip was trembling and she looked lost for words. She raised her hands to the heavens again and welcomed the rain.

_Now I don't wanna beg you, baby_

_For something maybe you could never give_

_I'm not looking for the rest of your life_

_I just want another chance to live_

"You aren't going to stay, are you?" Ginny said.

"No."

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Coward," she said.

"Yeah."

"Will you stay for a bit at least?" she asked.

Harry shook his head. "I can't, Ginny," he replied. "I need… I need to move on. On my own. Please give my best wishes to your parents, though. I can't stop in and seem them. I just… can't."

"Harry, they have never blamed you!"

"It's not them!" he said. "It's me! I don't think I could see them. I… Ron… he…" He stopped, choking on his words. "Voldemort killed Ron because of me, Ginny," Harry finally managed to say. "It's my fault. If Ron had never come with me, then things might be different for all of you. And Hermione…" He trailed off.

They were both starting to shiver now. The rain had thoroughly soaked their clothes and it was getting cold.

"Please, Harry," Ginny tried again. "Just stay one day. For me. In remembrance of them."

Harry paused. Part of him desperately wanted to say yes, while the rest of him wanted to run away. Perhaps it had been a mistake, coming here today. So many emotions that had been bottled up inside him for five years were threatening to break loose. It was a bad decision to come here, to the place where his best friends had died, to meet the one girl who he had loved…

It was all in the past now. Who said they couldn't start again?

He did. Harry did. The part of him who wanted nothing to do with the first eighteen years of his life said that he did not want to start over. Instead, he would run, as he had been running for the past five years.

His decision must have reflected in his expression; Ginny needed no words to understand. She merely nodded and stepped backwards, one hand pressed to her mouth. They both knew that as of this moment, it was very likely that they would never see each other again. Ginny would return to caring for her parents; Harry would continue travelling the world.

He would continue running and no one could catch him.

The rain continued to poor down.

_Strange how hard it rains now_

_Rows and rows of big dark clouds_

_When I'm holding on underneath this shroud_

_Rain_

"I never said…" Ginny began, but she stopped speaking, as if uncertain if she wanted to continue.

"You never said what?" Harry asked.

She raised her head and locked eyes with him. "All those years ago," she told him, "I never said that I loved you. Not once. Not ever. But for five years I've held on to the belief that one day you would come back for me. And here you are."

She smiled and Harry felt his heart plunge. In all his years of travelling, he had never considered where Ginny lay in the turn of events. Without Ron and Hermione in this world, it seemed like there was nothing else for him here, cold-hearted as it seemed. He couldn't think about Ginny because it reminded him too much of Ron. Most of all, he had believed that Ginny would never want to see him again, considering the way Harry had led Ron to his death…

Yet she didn't blame him. She never had.

"There were a lot of things we never said," Harry replied.

"Yeah." Ginny smiled sadly. "I know. I suppose now they never will be said."

Harry shook his head. "No."

Ginny nodded. "I guess this is goodbye, then," she said.

"Yeah."

She raised a hand in farewell and began walking away across the wet, grassy slopes of Hogwarts. When she was several feet away, Ginny turned and looked back at him. A flood of maybes and could-have-beens crossed her expression.

_Strange how hard it rains now_

_Rows and rows of big dark clouds_

_When I'm still alive underneath this shroud_

The sun burst through the clouds, lighting the spot where Ginny was standing. For a brief moment, Harry's breath caught in his throat: she looked angelic, soaked to the bone from the rain, the golden sunlight creating a halo around her.

Ginny caught his wide-eyed expression and frowned. She tilted her head to the side, her expression forlorn, eyes on the sky as it continued to shower rain down on Harry.

Harry couldn't help a small, feeble laugh as he shivered, wrapping his arms around himself for extra warmth. The weather was clearly being ironic.

"You know," Ginny said finally, "the mark of a true hero is not the one who defeats the evil overlord. Its the one who _can_ deal with the losses of the past."

Harry wiped a stream of rain out of his eyes. Perhaps it was a good thing it was raining so hard over him; in this weather, Ginny would not spot his own tears.

"I never said I was the hero."

_Rain_

_Rain_

_Rain_

**the end**_  
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End file.
